Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Past, present, and future

I have made mistakes in my life as has everyone, its just part of life; big, small, life changing, and insignificant. The past is the part of the book that's been written. We often dream of what if it happened differently? How would my life be different now? Or would it be? Is fate attached to our decisions or does free will guide us, or is it a bit of both? A sort of Dungeons and Dragons type of existence. However life works, the fact is that the past cannot be changed; it just is. In fact, it is no more. So why does it haunt us like a creaky knee from a high school football injury? I guess human nature warns us to think again before going into the poison ivy patch; we remember our past scars with searing brutality sometimes. Sometimes these scars are ever present reminding us of that mistake, that pain, that wrong decision.

The present rolls through us like waves at the beach; sometimes so serene and calm, sometimes severe and deadly. The reality is that this is the part of the equation that is inescapable; it is who we are in the moment, not in the previous moment or the next one. Watching my son and daughter romp in their little pool, with the sun looking and the wind kissing my lips, that was my beautiful present, until it quickly and predictably slipped into the past.

The future is full of expectation, hope, fear, and uncertainty. It is sometimes the place that we live because the present and/or past are somewhat undesirable. Or it is the place that we fear because the present and the past are/were so serene, and we don't want it to change.

All I really know is this--in this present moment I am good at being a Dad, a husband and a friend. I am a decent teacher, writer and artist. I am healthy, but my joints are aging quickly. I am good with stress. I am good at having grand ideas, but not following through on all. I rely on the hope that everything will just work our as long as I'm a good person and a hard worker. I am naive to how to proceed in certain situations, and brilliant in others. I'm 32 years old and in some respects I feel my life is over, and in some respects I feel my life has just begun.

Again I've become the Rambling Madman. To wrap up, I can't apologize for my past mistakes anymore, both to myself and to others, it is what it is and cannot be changed. I feel confident in the present, confident that I will not repeat those mistakes, confident in the love of the people in my life, and I am hopeful that the future will bring great and wonderful things to myself and the people that I love the most.


Rikkij said...

You sound content, and that's a good place to be. But you seem to be counting on a lot in confidence and we're humans. we do make mistakes and sometimes the same ones over. I'm fifty and so many feelings, goals and emotions have changed since thirty-two. I've screwed up so many times since 32, and now find it so hard to forgive myself of many things. I genuinely hope you fare better.

Jaina said...

There's something so freeing about letting go of the past, to stop apologizing and be confident in the present and the future. I'm so glad to hear you have reached that place. It's such a wonderful and peaceful place to be.

Anonymous said...

We can only go forward. I know. So, why is it so damn hard for me sometimes? I love you. I really do.

flutter said...

You only have to apologize for the mistakes that you continue to make.

seems like you're doing well, from here.

Anonymous said...

You are a young man in my book and have many more mistakes to make- it's all good and the grist for the mill of life! And ramblings.... mastering self forgiveness and compassion is the trick- got any ideas?