The Journey Within

I find myself very close to my car these days. I spend lots of time in it traveling from place to place; school, work, home, all over the tri-state area. I spend alot of time listening to sports, music, on the phone with friends and family, but sometimes I need something else. All of these things, the car, the sounds, the people, the road, it is all just an illusion, some of it makes me feel good and some not so good. The only thing that truly exists is the moment are the thoughts that are existing in the moment. I have no control over anything else in life. I can just control my thoughts, my words, and my actions at this very moment. That sentence right there should be the only existence, the only thing that matters. In the reality of the world we live in however, this is very difficult. We work desperately not to be bogged down by the disappointments of the past or not to be paralyzed by the worries of the future. I believe that we chose the lives that we live and that one day we will all be changed into universal energy from where we came. This life is a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of things. If that is true, if this life is just a blink of an eye, a dream, then what is there to lose? Whatever desires that we have we should not be afraid, of, we should manifest them as fast as we can think them. If I look inside, if I take the journey within, I can see very clearly my desires. My desire to have a happy marriage, my desire to be wealthy, my desire to have more children, my desire to be creative, my desire to complete a tri-athalon, my desire to live life to the fullest all of the time. Its simple, as it should be.

The Journey Inside

What does the journey towards self-awareness teach us about ourselves? When I look inside to the center of my mind, body and soul what do I see?

I feel a warm glowing green light; I always have. There were points in my life when it was a dull hue. It was once a bright universe that over-whelmed the very essence of who I was, am and will be. It is the essence that has traveled with me from the very beginning of my soul. My soul has been around for centuries waiting for a moment in time such as this one when I could truly understand who I am, what I want, and my purpose for existence.

In past lives I was a great person; a warrior and a healer. I was a person who made a difference. But obviously there is still something I was missing, a challenge I either had yet to face, or I've faced and have failed, or had not seen.

Now I'm in my vortex, feeling the true vibration of my being. Its glorious. Everything that I have dreamed of is within my grasp. I just have to take that final step to reach that next level of existence.

At this moment in time the past and the future play no role in my journey. All that counts is this moment in time that feels like a twisting stream of green energy throughout every part of my physical and non-physical being. It is a universe that is ever expanding and reacting to the various worlds and objects that I come in contact with, that are within my orbit.

I have a vision of what my life is and what is going to become and I am content that I am where I want to be. Will there be challenges? Yes, of course, for after all, I chose this life. Today, it is just a matter of how I face those challenges. I choose to face them in a positive allowing act of inertial; like a river not breaking stride in the midst of rapids.

Every experience has brought me to this point of time. Every experience has taught me a valuable lesson. I do not regret. I give gratitude to every experience that I have passed through.

I have learned to recognize passion and true love. I have learned to truly listen and be a compassionate friend. I have learned to forgive past misfortunes and release my restrictions. I have learned that my voice has meaning and my soul is allowed to feel joy and sorrow. I embrace all these aspects of who I am. I embrace life now and forever.

2 stories

The other day I decided to take a walk. I walked down Steinway Street in Astoria, Queens. The day was hot and humid and the street was crowded with shoppers. My plan was to go to the Vitamin store and do some casual walking. On my way to the vitamin store a tiny Asian novelty store caught my eye. I decided to go in.

A small woman sat in a lawn chair right in the middle of the store. The store contained beautiful jewelry, novelty items, souvenirs, and wisdom.

A necklace caught my eye and I asked the lady if I could see them. She pulled out the tray and would not hand me the necklace. She told me that only I could make that decision. It had to be something that was attracted to my heart. One stood out. As I picked it up I immediately felt its energy and my body was drawn to it. I asked the woman about the necklace and she went into great detail describing it spiritual significance.

She looked into my eyes and asked what year I was born. I told her. She said "Oh, you are a dragon, and a strong one!!" With that she grabbed my hands, flipped them over, and proceeded to tell me my destiny.

In the past, my life was so dark I refused to believe in destiny. I was afraid that the rest of my life would be held in misery and walking on egg shells; never walking down my true path in life.

The woman continued to tell me that every spirit, when it enters this world, chooses their destiny. She told me that I have two stories in life and one has just ended and the next one has begun. I know this to be truth, because my soul has felt this as well.

The first story, although my own, was narrated by some one else, maybe more than one other person. I do know, however, that neither person was me, and neither person ever really knew me.

This next story has started out with my own voice. At first I did not recognize it, because I had never heard it, or if I did it was a distant echo. It's sweet and peaceful.

In this new story I have discovered self; all sides of it. I've opened up my energy and my vibrations to the universe, which was kind enough to help me attract love, true love.

My first story was hard, and rigid, with few sweet spots. It was like driving down a road that has not been repaired in years, left to neglect. When you drive down that road you would fear the potholes and unexpected dangers might destroy your car. Would the car survive?

The new story makes me think of walking down a path in the woods. Each step mindful or the last. Each breath drinking in life and vitality. Clarity and stimulation around each bend in the trail. I now appreciate the stars and the salty ocean air. As my walls crumble down and my eys open up excitement and contentment fill my heart with joy.

I didn't need that women to tell me my destiny. I already know my destiny. I've known it all along. Namaste.

Suffering

When my walls came crashing down I started on a journey; one of spirituality and freedom. I experienced strength, wisdom, calmness, clarity, and happiness. Some were pure for the first time in my life. But there was something that I kept dancing around.

As I would walk through my shadows I would always pass by this unsightly plant. The plant did not seem to grow or wither, it just was. It was the size of a medium bush, with dark leaves and thorns. It was my suffering. I walked past it daily peering at it through my peripherals. I dared not look at it directly for fear.

Recently, on my walk through the shadows I bumped into this bush. I came face to face with this suffering, acknowledging it truly for the first time. A rush of fear, sadness, anger, depression and guilt stung my body, soul, and mind. What could I do? Run away and let my wounds heal? If I did that the bush would still remain; ready to harm me in the future.

I decided to sit in front of the bush in silent contemplation--Staring at it like it was a flickering light. Accepting it, listening to it, and absorbing every detail.

In life I am afraid of little. Death and pain do not scare me in the least. For a long time, however, I was afraid of what was inside. What was once a mountain of fear and suffering in my mind, is now simply a bush that I can talk to. It is a symbol that brings me closer to my own self-awareness. It is letting me break down those walls in my mind that have stood in the shadows of my suffering.

What I'm coming to realize is that it is ok to meditate and learn from the shadows as well. By confronting and acknowledging the suffering I can detach from it to become closer to it to better understand it to relieve the suffering.

Sometimes it just takes the simple flicker of a candle to enlighten a place that was dark. It is always interesting to find that sometimes what lies in the dark is only a figment of the mind that can be learned from and changed.

Sustainability

Recently certain events have transformed my life in ways that I never would have imagined. My expectations of divorce, while married, were a total destruction of me. I felt as though I would be lost in a life that doesn't belong to me. I have found the complete opposite. I have found myself, for maybe the first time ever. I have found a strength and a balance that I always knew was there--but never came out. It is both peaceful and exciting. It might be cliche, but I see the world as one big opportunity and not as four walls closing in on me.

I have been on a journey that has taught me how to live through meditation and intellectual stimulation. Through a brief cognitive metamorphosis I have realized that a greater change in society is possible. Sustainability, or maybe even a reversal in the destruction of this planet is not only a must, but a possibility.

I try every day to apply what I've learned through meditation to everyday life--to detach my mind from the reality that surrounds me. Oddly enough I feel as though going through this process brings me closer to those things that I'm detaching from; maybe gaining a better perspective on what they really are, or what their purpose really is.

By doing this I see a world full of dichotomy and gluttony. No one is to blame. When I see these things I, strangely, don't get mad or sad. I see the opportunity for change. I hear people talk about how they are slaves to their jobs and how the only reason that they work is to pay bills. Les masses sont mécontentes.

Our way of life works us to death; literally--and this is in the glutinous Western world that has everything to begin with!! There has to be a way to live that satisfies everyone. Where everyone has satisfying lives, where the planet and other species are treated with respect and where war and violence are bedtime stories.

The more time I spend on this journey the more I realize that the path that I'm traveling on is no accident. Is it a coincidence or a glimmer of fate? Lets see what tomorrow holds.

Something like a bunch of words

I've never surfed before, tried a couple of times, maybe will try again. I do find the thought of using a fiberglass board as an instrument to capture the rush of nature. Something about focusing on balance with the distraction of ocean spray, other surfers, the speed and height of the wave intrigues me. We know that there is a goal and an end, but we're sometimes unsure of the journey. We know there will be a rush and a crash and that solid ground is on the horizon (or under our feet).

Life was stagnant for a long time. Looking back I was that hamster on the wheel; always running, but never getting anyplace. Suddenly the wheel is gone and so are the glass walls. Exploring the new environment is both exciting and scary; more exciting though.

The other day I went into Manhattan. I arrived at 42 Street and had to be at 79th Street in 45 minutes. I decided to walk. Walking meditation. Noticing that we, as humans, are walking oxymorons--All the same, but as different as snowflakes; obvious. Other surfers.

Catharsis

My whole life I have been burdened by the weight of other people. I've looked for approval in the eyes and hearts of other people. I don't know when it happened, but at some point in my life I blinded myself. I blinded myself to the reality of who I really am. I've allowed myself to be guided by other people's arrogance and emotion. My fault or others, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is where I am right now in the present moment. I've found comfort in other people as a catharsis through this part of the journey. Not using them as a crutch, but just companions.

I rose out of the ashes only to have my wings melted and fall back to earth. My evolution is now ready to begin with my feet on the ground and with my ascent assured. I'm content to live in patience and inertia. I'm confident in the road forward and not backward into the chaos that is not knowing who one is.

There is fear in having to figure out who one is at this stage in life. There is also excitement in knowing that some people do not get a second chance and this is mine. I'm confident that this will be a satisfying process.

My sadness comes from the disappointment I have in other people. Also my fault for having overinflated expectations other people. I'm learning, however, to only have expectations of myself and those expectations can be as high as I want them to be.

Catharsis is a cleansing. A cleansing of the mind, soul, and heart. A necessary part of life that we take for granted. Not anymore.

Into the Mist

This morning I was sitting in my car waiting. What am I waiting for? I looked out across the dashboard to the outside world. After an acre of sand, waves emerged from the mist and crashed into the shore. Turning down Kanye, I threw a toothpick in my mouth, grabbed my camera and ventured out into the morning.

The air stung cold, but was tolerable. I put my hood up and strolled from the pavement to the boardwalk to the sand to the shore. What am I looking for? I strolled slowly on the hard sand watching the waves crash and the seagulls parting before me. Dew stuck to my beard, I inhaled the salty air deeply so it could penetrate my inner child. The child who had hoped to design space ships and play with giants.

I knelt on the sand and focused my digital. What will this image mean? Feelings, unlike photographs, change as quickly as the waves crash around me. Some of the water retreats, some soaks into the sand.

Finding ones self is like waiting for something to emerge from the mist. Maybe the answer lies in the dew on my beard and the salt in my nose, and not in the cloud beyond the waves.

All I know is that for the first time in a long time my feet aren't wet and the forecast is for sun. The trick is being patient enough not to jump into the mist.

Blinded by the light...

For the longest time I sat it my cave and pretended that the world and the sun did not exist. It was damp, cold, and dark, but comfortable. The sound of water running and falling onto smooth stone was at first soothing, but turned quickly to piercing and torturous. Finally, it just helped to numb my soul..................

I recently had a dream, sunny and bright, fresh and new. I was wandering through a field with lots of small farms. People were inspecting their crops happily, and I would just float on by with pure admiration. I ended up in front of sown dirt with a bag of seeds. The smell of the soil penetrated my being. I started planting the seeds. I've never had this dream before.

In a strange coincidence, I recently had a very deep conversation with a person who I have great respect for spiritually. We were discussing karmic qualities in our present day lives. He explained to me, very vividly, that karma is like planting the seeds to our future. Basically, how we proceed in every part of our life will have an impact on the future; whether distant or not. (Note: karma transcends time, place and person, maybe not even our own, or so I understand)

I've always been fascinated by gardening, planting, and nature. There is something very spiritual about thinking about how life can grow from such a seemingly small package.

..........The water in the cave started rushing faster and faster. I felt the air disappearing and began to hear the stone around me crack. The thought of suffocation or being crushed to death actually appealed to me. As the ceiling started to crumble and the shards of shale started to penetrate my skin I welcomed the end. Crushing darkness enveloped me, my nostrils filled with the acrid smell of death. In that last moment I decided to open my eyes. As the dust cleared and I regained my sense of balance and I could see a glimmer of blue sky. Pulling myself out of the rubble was easier than I thought.

As I rub the blindness out of my eyes, I pick up my bag of seeds, inhale the scent of soil, and set off to find my garden.

Now and the greater now

I read Siddhartha, by Herman Hesse, three times before I grasped the concept that there is no self. The first two times I just didn't understand what that meant, or I didn't want to understand. When I figured it out the meaning hit me like a wall in my mind crashing down on me. There is no self because self is a concept that is idle; it never moves. We are constantly changing and moving and breathing. There is nothing constant about us, even though we think there is.

Benjamin Franklin once said that the only thing certain is life is death and taxes. While that may be true change is also a certainty.

Reflecting on life I believe this concept, but I believe in more as well. I've tried to apply this idea of no self. It is most difficult. I've begun to realize that maybe if I was a monk, secluded from the world I could achieve this.

There are flaws to this plan however. Living a western, suburban life does not lend itself to this aspiration.

I think that it is more appropriate to include past characteristics and future aspirations in this way of thinking. Although these things do not exist, and never will, there is precious little time to come to terms with them.

There is no self, but I fear that apparitions from the past and fantasies of the future will always haunt my life.

Mosquitoes sting and leave welts. Next time we see one we're twice shy. The weatherman calls for rain and sun is out.

What's real and what's not is all a matter of what is happening now....And sometimes I don't even know that.