Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Life is fluid, a babbling brook that stops for nothing, neither great, nor small. This reality comforts me and scares me at the same time. I know that dangerous times will pass, but so will the great ones.

As the river turns and witnesses a new scene so I have changed and grown within that same curve. The serious has been forged dull in the experience of life and it is now easier to enjoy a child's smile and easier to comfort a scraped knee's tears.

I have wondered and assumed to the point of believing a paranoid reality, when the truth speaks in the witness of my senses, in the blink of a down-turned eye or a mellowed tone in a conversation.

I've lived the life of the "What if" and the "Maybe when", and have accomplished neither.

A friend from law school once told me a story of his trip to Vietnam. He explained to me the most spiritual experience of his journey. He told me that one day, he took a break from partying, smoked a joint and rented an inner-tube and just floated down a river lined with jungle trees and jungle sounds. He explained that it was the calmest experience of his life. His eyes revealed the truth in his words. There was no exaggeration or need to boast, there was just the reminiscence of tranquility, of maybe a once in a lifetime inner peacefulness. I'm not saying that I've achieved this, but I feel as though I've caught a glimmer of it.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Catering to my fans

I've blogged about deep philosophocal issues, sadness and depression, inner turmoil and other various heart-string pulling topics. However, I've only received comments from Viagra, an investment banker who wants me to buy his product, and some Korean chap who I, unfortunately, cannot understand.

So what to say to my frequent flyers, hmmmm.

First to my Viagra friend. You are so consistent with your once a day comments I'm so hard up to view your daily quips. Sometimes your comments leave me in a state of excitement that lasts for more than four hours and I have to call my Doctor to get advice on how to calm down. I have to be careful though, every once in a while I get nauseous, blurred vision, and have fear of getting a stroke when I view your bits of wisdom. Anyways my dear friend, keep it cuming.

Next to my investment banker friend. I'm a teacher who just bought a house and have two little kids. If you're willing to take 2 pennies and a stick of gum as a down payment for an investment in your junk bonds, I'm in. I'm sure you're a brilliant money man, why would anyone think not when you're advertising on my most famous literary site. I'm sorry I haven't visited your url yet. I've come close so many times, but my lack of confidence prevents me from being in your cyber presence, please forgive my meakness.

Lastly, I'll miss you most of all Scarecrow, I mean my Korean chum. You are such a fucking mystery my life is sent into a tailspin when I try to understand your supposed brilliance comments. I just don't know where to start. Are you South Korean or North Korean? If you are North Korean, are you a hardliner inviting me to be a comrade in the Korean Workers Party? Or are you a political refugee requesting my covert assistance? So many questions, and no answers. Perhaps you're just trying to sell me some high end ginseng to go along with my Viagra and new high society investment banking persona.

The outpouring of love is just too overwhelming I think I might cry. I'm done, the computer is now sizzling and the buttons are now slippery, but I don't want to hide my true emotions anymore. This is a new me, a better me. I now lead a richer, fuller life, a life of purpose, now that I have you three in my life. Pleace keep it coming and don't be frightened of my new found love for you all. Have a wonderful evening. Peace.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Right life, wrong timing

I'm convinced that I'm living the life I'm supposed to but during the wrong time in history. I dream about a time either long ago and way ahead. A hard time, but a time where I've made a difference. I've been part of something hard and wonderful. I've battled and won, instead of wept and typed. The life I lead is hard; probably not in comparison to most throughout time. But I guess we're programmed to consider life hard for the mere fact that if it was easy we would go no further. If I had won a battle or slayed a dragon or if I ever conquer a moon beam then maybe I'll have some satisfaction.
Lonliness is but a state of mind. I'm kept company by demons and thoughts alike, the haunting of the past and the hopelessness of the future. Although I sometimes thrive on misfortune, I'd like to try and grow on sunshine. Sometimes I feel like every door I go through is a squeeze that forces the breath out of my lungs and the will out of my soul. For a long time I've run from my dark, but recently I've found it easier to accept it and understand it. Its part of me, just like the sunny side. But the dark side is the reality, its there, its tangible, but its not encompassing, it just is, just like the rest of me. I actually enjoy it, because it forces reflection on my inconsistences and insufficiencies, both of which I have run from for a long time. Whatever, its just a different part of the journey

check out my pics


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Black hole

You ever wonder what it would feel like to get sucked into a black hole? The pressure squeezing every ounce of your being. Life can be so easy sometimes; I catch the right train, the sun it out, the day is smooth and pleasant. Then there are some days where everything is just fucked up.

I wake up every morning to get ready for work at 3:45 a.m. Eat my breakfast, do my exercises and get ready for the day ahead. At around 3:52 this morning as I watched some random science show there was a break and the commercials started. I normally pay as little attention as everyone else to commercials, but one caught my eye. It was probably the shortest, strangest, and darkest commercial I've ever seen--it probably lasted around 3 seconds. The backdrop was very...hmmmm...religious...I want to say it looked like the inside of a church. There was no sound, only words "Life is not for everybody." That is all it read. It surprised me. It depressed me. It seemed very odd to me, almost a subliminal message to the losers that stay up all night watching the science channel; or get up early to do exercises. Who or what would run this message at such a bizarre time in such a bizarre place? What did it mean for me, if anything. It was a challenge that was saying "Give up, fuck it." Well fuck that.

I've felt my inner strength my whole life. Sometimes it felt strong and warm, like it could protect me from anything and would help me do anything. Sometimes, although I knew it was still there, it was just a glimmer of its true self, hiding, waiting, watching.

Whenever a conflict occurs in my life I have the tendency to play the victim; no matter if I'm right or wrong. I've been working hard on the flaw in my personality. I never learned another way to respond when I'm attacked. Playing the victim assumes that other people will have sympathy for you and try to make you feel better; no matter if you're right or wrong.

I approached the day tentatively, walking on egg shells to work. Work started off frantic; running around, making copies, typing, forever typing and cutting and pasting lines of my life into someone elses. I was talked to and then fucked with and then expected to make the performance of a lifetime. Instead I played the referee, not once, but twice. There was static in the air; I returned a pair of keys to a co-worker and I shocked him to the point where he jumped back and said "Ouch!!" There was a negative energy permeating through the walls. But why? Where was it coming from? What was out of balance? I don't know; but it was hanging in the air like a thick fog throughout my life today.

I usually have that extra sense, I can usually feel the day. Is there energy in the air, positive or negative? Is the day flat or full of life? Today I felt nothing, numb, with a hint of apathy and depression. I would usually let those feeling conquer me and seep into my soul, but I kept it at bay today. The strength is building in me, I can feel it.

I've tried to make sense of this written diarrhea that I just splattered on this page. I had to open the drain and let the crap drain out. I still can't feel the true essence of the moment, but it does feel much lighter, which is a good thing. I don't care if the day is going to be light or heavy, I just want to be able to feel it again, in my entirety, throughout my soul.