Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Black hole

You ever wonder what it would feel like to get sucked into a black hole? The pressure squeezing every ounce of your being. Life can be so easy sometimes; I catch the right train, the sun it out, the day is smooth and pleasant. Then there are some days where everything is just fucked up.

I wake up every morning to get ready for work at 3:45 a.m. Eat my breakfast, do my exercises and get ready for the day ahead. At around 3:52 this morning as I watched some random science show there was a break and the commercials started. I normally pay as little attention as everyone else to commercials, but one caught my eye. It was probably the shortest, strangest, and darkest commercial I've ever seen--it probably lasted around 3 seconds. The backdrop was very...hmmmm...religious...I want to say it looked like the inside of a church. There was no sound, only words "Life is not for everybody." That is all it read. It surprised me. It depressed me. It seemed very odd to me, almost a subliminal message to the losers that stay up all night watching the science channel; or get up early to do exercises. Who or what would run this message at such a bizarre time in such a bizarre place? What did it mean for me, if anything. It was a challenge that was saying "Give up, fuck it." Well fuck that.

I've felt my inner strength my whole life. Sometimes it felt strong and warm, like it could protect me from anything and would help me do anything. Sometimes, although I knew it was still there, it was just a glimmer of its true self, hiding, waiting, watching.

Whenever a conflict occurs in my life I have the tendency to play the victim; no matter if I'm right or wrong. I've been working hard on the flaw in my personality. I never learned another way to respond when I'm attacked. Playing the victim assumes that other people will have sympathy for you and try to make you feel better; no matter if you're right or wrong.

I approached the day tentatively, walking on egg shells to work. Work started off frantic; running around, making copies, typing, forever typing and cutting and pasting lines of my life into someone elses. I was talked to and then fucked with and then expected to make the performance of a lifetime. Instead I played the referee, not once, but twice. There was static in the air; I returned a pair of keys to a co-worker and I shocked him to the point where he jumped back and said "Ouch!!" There was a negative energy permeating through the walls. But why? Where was it coming from? What was out of balance? I don't know; but it was hanging in the air like a thick fog throughout my life today.

I usually have that extra sense, I can usually feel the day. Is there energy in the air, positive or negative? Is the day flat or full of life? Today I felt nothing, numb, with a hint of apathy and depression. I would usually let those feeling conquer me and seep into my soul, but I kept it at bay today. The strength is building in me, I can feel it.

I've tried to make sense of this written diarrhea that I just splattered on this page. I had to open the drain and let the crap drain out. I still can't feel the true essence of the moment, but it does feel much lighter, which is a good thing. I don't care if the day is going to be light or heavy, I just want to be able to feel it again, in my entirety, throughout my soul.

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