Saturday, April 23, 2011


My whole life I have been burdened by the weight of other people. I've looked for approval in the eyes and hearts of other people. I don't know when it happened, but at some point in my life I blinded myself. I blinded myself to the reality of who I really am. I've allowed myself to be guided by other people's arrogance and emotion. My fault or others, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is where I am right now in the present moment. I've found comfort in other people as a catharsis through this part of the journey. Not using them as a crutch, but just companions.

I rose out of the ashes only to have my wings melted and fall back to earth. My evolution is now ready to begin with my feet on the ground and with my ascent assured. I'm content to live in patience and inertia. I'm confident in the road forward and not backward into the chaos that is not knowing who one is.

There is fear in having to figure out who one is at this stage in life. There is also excitement in knowing that some people do not get a second chance and this is mine. I'm confident that this will be a satisfying process.

My sadness comes from the disappointment I have in other people. Also my fault for having overinflated expectations other people. I'm learning, however, to only have expectations of myself and those expectations can be as high as I want them to be.

Catharsis is a cleansing. A cleansing of the mind, soul, and heart. A necessary part of life that we take for granted. Not anymore.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Into the Mist

This morning I was sitting in my car waiting. What am I waiting for? I looked out across the dashboard to the outside world. After an acre of sand, waves emerged from the mist and crashed into the shore. Turning down Kanye, I threw a toothpick in my mouth, grabbed my camera and ventured out into the morning.

The air stung cold, but was tolerable. I put my hood up and strolled from the pavement to the boardwalk to the sand to the shore. What am I looking for? I strolled slowly on the hard sand watching the waves crash and the seagulls parting before me. Dew stuck to my beard, I inhaled the salty air deeply so it could penetrate my inner child. The child who had hoped to design space ships and play with giants.

I knelt on the sand and focused my digital. What will this image mean? Feelings, unlike photographs, change as quickly as the waves crash around me. Some of the water retreats, some soaks into the sand.

Finding ones self is like waiting for something to emerge from the mist. Maybe the answer lies in the dew on my beard and the salt in my nose, and not in the cloud beyond the waves.

All I know is that for the first time in a long time my feet aren't wet and the forecast is for sun. The trick is being patient enough not to jump into the mist.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Blinded by the light...

For the longest time I sat it my cave and pretended that the world and the sun did not exist. It was damp, cold, and dark, but comfortable. The sound of water running and falling onto smooth stone was at first soothing, but turned quickly to piercing and torturous. Finally, it just helped to numb my soul..................

I recently had a dream, sunny and bright, fresh and new. I was wandering through a field with lots of small farms. People were inspecting their crops happily, and I would just float on by with pure admiration. I ended up in front of sown dirt with a bag of seeds. The smell of the soil penetrated my being. I started planting the seeds. I've never had this dream before.

In a strange coincidence, I recently had a very deep conversation with a person who I have great respect for spiritually. We were discussing karmic qualities in our present day lives. He explained to me, very vividly, that karma is like planting the seeds to our future. Basically, how we proceed in every part of our life will have an impact on the future; whether distant or not. (Note: karma transcends time, place and person, maybe not even our own, or so I understand)

I've always been fascinated by gardening, planting, and nature. There is something very spiritual about thinking about how life can grow from such a seemingly small package.

..........The water in the cave started rushing faster and faster. I felt the air disappearing and began to hear the stone around me crack. The thought of suffocation or being crushed to death actually appealed to me. As the ceiling started to crumble and the shards of shale started to penetrate my skin I welcomed the end. Crushing darkness enveloped me, my nostrils filled with the acrid smell of death. In that last moment I decided to open my eyes. As the dust cleared and I regained my sense of balance and I could see a glimmer of blue sky. Pulling myself out of the rubble was easier than I thought.

As I rub the blindness out of my eyes, I pick up my bag of seeds, inhale the scent of soil, and set off to find my garden.