Saturday, April 11, 2009

When the Bubble Burst

I grew up in a bubble. I didn't want for much, no abuse (that I was aware of), no severely traumatic moments (except the usual), all the trappings of a comfortable suburban childhood. So when did the bubble burst?

I remember waking up in the middle of the night sweating, not knowing where I was......Then I remembered I was working three pathetic jobs having just failed the Bar exam for the fourth time. This wasn't how life was supposed to turn out, things were supposed to be easy, weren't they?

I tried to go back to sleep, peeking at my lovely wife who had all the faith and confidence in me that I didn't have. She would be dreaming of family and love and future, where I was traumatized trying to figure out how to make her dreams come true.

"Where is life going to take me?" I asked my cat, who was the only one awake, and supposedly hanging on my every word. Maybe I was dreaming and I'll really be living the life I'm supposed to be living when I wake up, probably not.

I wipe the sweat off my forehead, the cool breeze hits it and reminds me what reality really is.

Instead of letting the anxiety bind me in the straight jacket, I repeat my mantra "You're a good person, keep working hard and be honest and things will work out." I have repeated this mantra hundreds of time, not letting it slip past the frontal lobe.

I'm slowly drifting back to sleep and as I'm gripped by its paralyzing sweetness I feel a little dampness begin to form against my temple and realize that the bubble no longer exists, it has burst all over me; and this is me weeping for the loss of it.

It's now five or so years later, I have a beautiful family, a secure job, and am truly happy. But I sometimes ask myself would I be where I am today if I didn't have those night terrors? I don't know. I know the bubble needed to break. I know that life is cyclic. And I know not to mess with Karma. That is life.


Rikkij said...

This one was interesting to me cuz I've never obsessed about succeeding. I had a sweet dream job with a major corp when I was in my early twenties and just walked away and never looked back. but I do fear when things seem to be going to well. Life is a great equalizer. Really glad things are goin great for you guys tho. You guys both seem really up and pumped and it's really cool! ~Rick

ConverseMomma said...

Yes. It was a rough road. But, you did it. You made it. You were a fine lawyer, and when you turned and walked away to be a teacher, you had the satisfaction of knowing it was the right path for you. Honey, we had some hard times, will have more ahead, but what keeps me going is you...always you...and now those two beautiful children who woke us up at the crack of dawn this morning to eat jelly beans for breakfast after hunting for colored eggs. I love you!

Anonymous said...

I've always found that existential dilemma can be hardest for people who have been raised to believe life is fair. I, luckily or unluckily, never had that experience but certainly have had the existential dilemma! You sound like a person who has a lot of ideals and drive! And luckily you have a fabulous wife!

Woman in a Window said...

Yes, yes! What starrlife said. Holy shit, she got it there. Life isn't fair. Maybe it's a blessing to have been born into unfairness. I don't really go looking for it. But then again, that might be a lie. Not sure on me.

About you though, I think it's your determination and drive that gets you through, not life going one way or the other. You're willing to put in the work to get you to where you want to go. Me, I'm just along for the ride.

Louise said...

Your cat hangs on your every word??? =)

I was just talking about this today to someone. If everything is easy, we never grow. Here's to bubbles bursting (and cats who listen).

Jaina said...

Sometimes I think my bubble is still intact, other times I think it's burst. So hard to tell. I like my bubble.

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