Reflection

What is reflection? It's simply seeing yourself in a mirror. How often do we really look at ourselves in a mirror: Maybe to brush teeth or if we feel something on our face that shouldn't be there. Sometimes I look into a mirror and see a person who I don't know. Who am I? Where am I? Where have I been? Other times I'll look into a mirror and really recognize the face staring back.

But these are all just surface observations. Where is that person who weaves such intricate dreams that it takes a lifetime to figure them out? Where is that person whos waking moment is touched by fleating genius...."I'll have to remember to write that down later...."

I try and look in the mirror and figure out who that person is staring back at me. What have I changed into? What have I become? Sometimes I really don't know.

There is a scene from a Tom Hanks movie, "Joe verses the Volcano", where Tom Hanks has a free pass to buy whatever he wants for his trip. A limo is driving him on his spree around town. The limo driver is a very affable, wisened gentleman. At the beginning of the spending journey Joe asks the limo driver a series of questions about what he should buy, specifically, what style. The driver turns to him and says something to the effect of "Listen, its taken me my whole life to figure out who I am, and there are still some questions, so for me to tell you your style isn't going to happen."

I know its a very surface scene, but its always had a deeper meaning for me. What is real? The only thing I know that is real right now are the plastic letters that I press and the walls around me; that is my scene. I feel conflicted, satisfied, but wanting more. My family is my world, I know that, and without them I would spiral, crumble, and die. That is what I know at this moment. Will it change? It already has in that moment.

I hope the next time I really look in the mirror I see more that a stranger, more than a scruffy face, more that two wanting eyes staring back. I don't know what I want to see, but I know its more................

The Journey waits for no one.....

The Journey waits for no one.....

I've been thinking lately about how fast life goes, the components of life, what's really important and what's not. This blog is more like therapy than some artistic expression of my soul, although sometimes I hope that it comes across as that--it depends on the mood of the moment.

The Journey waits for no one.....

As often as we replay scenarios from our life in our heads and try to figure out what went wrong and what went right we begin to lose focus to what is right in front of us. I am by no means perfect, but I do like to think that I have perfect moments; when I make my wife laugh, when I know an answer no one else knows, when I save my son from the monster in his room, and when I rescue Pink-Puppy for my daughter. Hitting a home run, passing a test, having the girl say yes, achieving that goal, those are all part of perfect moments. I feel like I've lost most of mine.

The Journey waits for no one.....

I would run, ski, do a reverse lay-up, and have no fear being tackled in a football game. Now I am tender going down a six-inch step. The pain the accompanies my knees seems like it will be along for the rest of the journey. My son asks me to play leap frog, "Sorry buddy, Daddy has a boo-boo." Flash back to my Dad only playing catch with me for ten minutes before his elbow aches.

The Journey waits for no one.....

"You're brilliant" "You're special" "You have the whole world ahead of you!"........"You're average" "You failed" "You didn't get in!."

The Journey waits for no one.....

If there is a God, did the almighty do this on purpose, that is, show us what the good, perfect life is, dangle it like a golden ring, and then pull it away. Ouch, slapped in the face by the reality that is life; the hardship, the pain, the sadness, the loss of hope.

The Journey waits for no one.....

I watch my kids rejoice in bubbles. Bubbles. When did I lose my fascination with Bubbles? I wish I could still belly-laugh at Bubbles. I wish I could pretend to be a fireman, doctor, or repairman. My life is for my wife and children. I live vicariously through them; their pleasure, their pains.

The Journey waits for no one.....

I feel as though I am always waiting for the next....what? I want to enjoy the now, but sometimes I don't know how. I feel as though when I finally catch up to the next it will be too late, I'll be too old. I used to make fun of or complain about old people, but I realize that in a blink of an eye I will be there too.

The Journey waits for no one.....

I want to start living, really living; for my family and for myself. I want to make their journey worth it; worth being on this planet, worth living this life. How do I start? I start now........

Past, present, and future

I have made mistakes in my life as has everyone, its just part of life; big, small, life changing, and insignificant. The past is the part of the book that's been written. We often dream of what if it happened differently? How would my life be different now? Or would it be? Is fate attached to our decisions or does free will guide us, or is it a bit of both? A sort of Dungeons and Dragons type of existence. However life works, the fact is that the past cannot be changed; it just is. In fact, it is no more. So why does it haunt us like a creaky knee from a high school football injury? I guess human nature warns us to think again before going into the poison ivy patch; we remember our past scars with searing brutality sometimes. Sometimes these scars are ever present reminding us of that mistake, that pain, that wrong decision.

The present rolls through us like waves at the beach; sometimes so serene and calm, sometimes severe and deadly. The reality is that this is the part of the equation that is inescapable; it is who we are in the moment, not in the previous moment or the next one. Watching my son and daughter romp in their little pool, with the sun looking and the wind kissing my lips, that was my beautiful present, until it quickly and predictably slipped into the past.

The future is full of expectation, hope, fear, and uncertainty. It is sometimes the place that we live because the present and/or past are somewhat undesirable. Or it is the place that we fear because the present and the past are/were so serene, and we don't want it to change.

All I really know is this--in this present moment I am good at being a Dad, a husband and a friend. I am a decent teacher, writer and artist. I am healthy, but my joints are aging quickly. I am good with stress. I am good at having grand ideas, but not following through on all. I rely on the hope that everything will just work our as long as I'm a good person and a hard worker. I am naive to how to proceed in certain situations, and brilliant in others. I'm 32 years old and in some respects I feel my life is over, and in some respects I feel my life has just begun.

Again I've become the Rambling Madman. To wrap up, I can't apologize for my past mistakes anymore, both to myself and to others, it is what it is and cannot be changed. I feel confident in the present, confident that I will not repeat those mistakes, confident in the love of the people in my life, and I am hopeful that the future will bring great and wonderful things to myself and the people that I love the most.

Tension

What is tension? The simplest thought I have about tension is the rubber-band. Not a very hot topic of conversation or center point of a novel, but the simply, lowly rubber band can explain alot. Rubber bans can be strong, weak, resilient, and dry out; but if enough tension is added to that wonderful band of rubber it, of course, breaks.

Sometimes you can feel the tension in the air; like an invisible force that everyone in a certain area is affected by; blood-pressure up, adrenaline pumping, senses alert. Tension; what will the outcome be? Will the band break or hold?

I remember the day after 9/11 I was driving close to my apartment and another car cut me off. I honked, gave a middle finger, and yelled some expletives. The other driver got out of his car. I got out of mine. Tension. We cursed at each other and then stared each other down, like gunslingers. The tension eased. We both got back in our cars, hearts pounding and drove off.

This past Father's day I was driving my family to dinner when we stopped at a light. I was simply having a conversation with my wife and the kids were sleeping in the back seat. No tension. I looked over at the lane next to me and saw two men get out of their cars and walk towards each other threateningly. Tension. I rolled down the window instantly stung by a stream of curses and, yes, tension. I said "Guys, relax!! Its Fathers Day, you don't want to fight on Fathers Day!"--no reaction, the tension was rising. I tried to quell the situation again, but to no avail. Chests started bumping. Tension was almost at it's climax. I quickly put the car in park and leaped out of the car, forcing my way in between the two men. Tension say "What do I do?" I push the men apart and look into both of their eyes "Guys" I say in a soft tone, "Its Fathers day, relax." The rubber band relaxes with a sigh. The men don't utter a word, they just give me a tired frown and walk to their respective cars. Tension-0, Madman-1. I climbed back into my car and continued the journey.

Tension can be hidden in a glance or a whisper, it can glide across a warm breeze or a snowflake. Tension can be as clear as the nose on your face and as plain as a crinkled brow. It can punch you in the face or cut through you like a well thought out insult.

Two rams jousting, two sharks circling, its out there. How do we deal with it? How do we resolve it? It is part of us, it spurs us, it is part of Darwin's survival of the fittest. Just a thought. So next time you pick up the little piece of rubber I hope it has some extra special meaning to you.

Power

The Oxford definition of power is: (n)(3) dominance, mastery, rule, command, ascendancy, sovereignty, domination.

Why would I write a post about power? Because power, and the use thereof, surrounds us and is part of our lives everyday whether we know it or not. From large uses to very subtle ones. From tangible to intangible. From real to imagined. This post could turn into a doctoral thesis or a research book; how does power affect our everyday life? Do we even know it affects us? How does each of us use power and respond to other peoples' use of it?

This is just one of the topics that has been attached to the membrane for sometime and has not figured out a way to detach until this moment. Humor me!

There are obvious sources of power: money, political esteem, weaponry, brilliance of mind, use of manipulation, and unusual physical attributes-to name a few. We are all witness to these sources of power; whether we recognize them or are just conditioned for them to be a part of our life that there is no such recognition, is inconsequential.

The face to face conversation where both participants make eye contact and the first one to break that contact unofficially gives in to the other superiority. The swagger and confidence of a person who knows they just have it. The failure to acknowledge a challenge that results in the unacknowledgers silent win. Cliques; whether in reality or cyberspace.

Why discuss power? It is part of the human condition; part of our hard-wiring. This is why we don't recognize or acknowledge it all of the time; because its such an essential part of our makeup, i.e. second nature.

Your history lessons are all about power; who overcomes which conflict? Entertainment, from drama to comedy, is all about power and conflict. Our sports, our jobs, our relationships, all about power--who has it and how do they use it.

Power can be draining, but I think it is what keeps our species evolving. Without power, without these daily conflicts we would idle, we wouldn't know how to move forward and conquer the small battles.

I think the trick is how we each handle our daily experiences with power; the old flight or fight situation. Do we need to win every little battle? Probably not, its probably an impossibility anyway. Food for thought. I'm interested in your thoughts.

Memories, condolences, and obituaries

Well its been almost a year since I lost two people who were very important to me. I had watched both my Nanny and my Great-Uncle age quickly over the last few years; shadows of who they once were. During June of 2008 both past-away within twenty days of each other, one barely mourning the other. I know they needed to comfort each other in death as they had in life, so it was sort of fitting.

I haven't dealt with it, haven't really reflected on it, or remembered a whole lot about their deaths or their lives; I don't feel guilty about this, just a need to do this. I loved both of these people dearly, their were an important, character changing part of my childhood and early adulthood, until both started to deteriorate. They were the part of my childhood that made me feel safe, comforted, like a warm blanket just out of the dryer.

My Nanny would give you anything you wanted, and all she asked in return was to have a little attention thrown her way, maybe a conversation or a card game. She had her strong opinions, but in the end she loved all. I will miss her for as long as I shall live and will eagerly wait to see her in the after life. She loved her family and her family loved her. I hope she is with my Grandpa and Uncle in peace.

My Uncle Jerry made everybody laugh; that's what I remember him most for. He was the consummate perfectionist; a mathematician for the Pentagon, who fought under Patton and always pressed as to what happened to the two missing points on a math test when I received a 98. He was that rare person who could tell an absorbing, meaningful story, while at the same time have you in stitches relating to his many life observations. He would always start out a conversation with me be reminiscing about a story that I was too young to remember. He would always say "My David" like he was my guardian angel in life, not a Great-Uncle separated my miles and years. He always had a scratchy beard, but I never shied from his kisses or hugs. I miss him so every day.

About two months ago I had a dream where there was a white light right behind me and in front of me was a mix of brown, black, and greys. I came to a woman sitting in a chair with two men standing on either side of her and various people in the near background. I knelt down and it was my Nanny, a younger version sitting in the chair flanked by my Uncle and Grandpa who were both smiling. With happiness in her voice she told me that she was doing fine and that she was with her husband, brother, and family; at this point I realized that the people in the background were relatives and ancestors from years ago. This dream was not contrived or planned, in fact I question if it was a dream at all, or a glimpse into another 'place.'

I know I could never do justice to two wonderful people who lived long, full lives, in a few simple paragraphs, but I needed to do something. May their memories live on through us--Peace.

Windows to the Soul

I believe we all have a soul; some kind of eternal energy or being that transcends life, death, and everything in between. As humans we are constantly changing, evolving, adjusting to life and the challenges that we all face.

I often try to peek into peoples' souls by glancing at their eyes. Most of the time I see something; at least a glimmer. With my 'munchkins' I sometimes do the Larry David stare that implies me wanting to extract the truth from a certain wayward situation.

I did that today to a 'munchkin' who seemed a bit beside herself. The result of my peek was nothing. I felt as though I was peering into a cloudy marble; their was no entrance, no humor or curiosity would help me gain my portal.

I had never experienced this denial of the soul, not even a brief glimmer. This 'munchkins' soul must be wrapped so tightly in fear, anger, and helplessness that the light is almost non-existent. Its makes me sad to experience this, even for the briefest of moments, for this 'munchkin'.

To be lost and forever scarred and scared at such a young age; and to know that this is probably the tip of the iceberg, for I'm sure there are others just like her. She may torture me for the time that we spend together, but I'm sure that it is nothing compared to what her own mind and experience have done and still do to her.

So for all those children, and people who are lost, or wrapped so tightly in their own fear and loathing that they can't see the worth in life, I will say a prayer for you and try to send some positive karmic thoughts to try and break that emotional traffic jam. My tears will be sent to try and clear yours.

In the words of the great Chris and Rich Robinson:

Soul Singing by Black Crowes. Artist: Black CrowesAlbum: LionsTitle: Soul Singing
Written by: r. robinson & c. robinson

"I've been downCascading and blue w/out a sound
Now i've traded my black feathers for a crown
So feed me milk & honeyLay me downLay me down
Look around
Show me holy places not yet found
Let's disappear and we'll hide underground
We'll get high and we'll feel safe & sound
It comes around arayayayound
Chorus:You got my soul singing my soul singingYou got my soul singing my soul singingYou got my soul singing my soul singingYou got my soul singing my soul singing

Home bound
Tired of tired of running town to town
Tired of my heart turned upside down
Now my life's a smile not a frown
The soundThe sound."

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